♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Jonny, this book says I'm supposed to have developed the nesting instinct.
I'm supposed to be all clean and anal.
Anal, you say?
You've already tried that one, Jonny, and I've already told you,
the baby won't bite your bell end if you use the correct channel.
Since I've been on maternity leave,
all I seem to be able to do is waddle about, eating crisps. Ooh.
Crisps.
Mm.
It's getting really annoying having you about all the time.
Why? Is my blossoming womanhood driving you to distraction?
Yeah, cos you're really fit at the minute, Janet.
It's just, I had my routine when it was just me.
Get up, fiddle, potter,
dabble,
fidget,
tinker, then bed.
- Well, get a job, then. - (Hyperventilates)
If I haven't developed a nesting instinct, maybe you should develop one.
- Clean the place up a bit. - (Hyperventilates)
That's me. Page 32 of Bucket World Quarterly.
Donna Henshaw, our new executive sales person, two to five litre division.
It's a trade publication but I can pull a few strings and get you a copy.
Oh. Page 32, that's so glam.
I've got to shift 4,000 buckets by the end of the week.
So how many have you sold so far?
Three.
Technically, one was a sample and two I just wore as shoes for a laugh.
It's a very high-pressure job but I'm seeing a client in Bury today
who I believe has a very leaky roof.
You don't need to tell me about pressure.
My community service is diabolical.
Five little chavettes and all the work's outside.
And January's so cold.
I'd rather have gone to prison.
It's not the work that's hard, it's the kiddies.
Sometimes I get the impression they don't like me.
You know, like when I get them to pick up dog mess or bow as I enter the room.
Donna, when you see Gaz, can you tell him that I know it was him
that drew the picture of me in the men's and actually I'm a lot hairier?
I won't because I won't see Gaz. I haven't seen him for ages.
Not since the wedding. I barely think about him since I became a career bitch.
Aw. It's good that you're concentrating on your career,
now that you'll never have a husband or a family.
That'll be why Gaz is so depressed.
Gaz depressed?
Gaz never gets depressed.
He doesn't understand the concept. He thinks Van Gogh was putting it on.
- It's funny, really. - What's funny?
Depression. Can't help laughing at it.
It's why I became a barmaid.
"Oh, boo-hoo. It's the ninth anniversary of me wife's death."
Funny men.
(Strains)
♪ It's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours... ♪
(Man) You can achieve anything you want with the power of positive thought.
You're not wrong there.
♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... ♪
Just visualise succeeding.
Visualise. Visualise.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Look what you've done to my Rascal.
This is my company car. They'll kill me. This'll take ages to...
Oh, my God. You're Gaz.
Donna, you look amazing.
Gaz, you look... healthy.
Since when did you drive such a fancy car?
Well, I...
What have you done to yourself?
You've... You've... What's the word?
Super sized.
So what are you going to do about this damage?
- Calm down. Your insurance will cover it. - My insurance?!
This is your fat... fault.
It's your fault. You're the woman.
I can't believe what's happened. It's horrible.
It's only a bump. I can fix it easily.
I'm not talking about the car.
You wouldn't believe the power I have over the young, Janet.
I'm like Fearne Cotton, only in human form.
(Laughter)
Stop that, girls! Stop it!
Stop it!
I... I'll call you back.
Get her!
So... what job do you think you'd be good at?
- I'd be good with children. - You'd be useless with children.
You've never even held a baby.
What a lovely sentiment to express to a father-to-be.
Our baby doesn't count.
What a lovely sentiment to express from a mother-to-be.
They'll cut my wages halfway through maternity so we need to think now.
OK. Fine. We'll buy the jobs pages on the way home.
No. Don't make me go back to that rancid pool of filth.
It's your mess, Janet. Look, Kelly manages to tidy an entire pub. It's easy.
I hate my life.
Easy peasy.
- What's the matter, Kelly? - The potman's taken leave.
His bloody wife died on him.
He'll be so depressed.
Jonny, there's a job going begging. Ask her.
(Hyperventilates)
Kelly, can Jonny have the potman's job?
Well, I'll have to check with Norma but I reckon so.
You'll have to do some serving as well and general cleaning and cellar work.
(Hyperventilates)
Wheels.
Four.
Windscreen.
That's present.
Bonnet.
Steering wheel.
That's round.
Gaz, I don't have time for this.
I've got to sell 4,000 buckets by the end of the week or lose my important job.
- We've got catching up to do. - No, we haven't.
I have a new job and you appear to have spent
the last five months inhaling butter.
I might have filled out but that's your doing.
- How? - Not getting any exercise shagging you.
Movement of entire body versus movement of right arm, simple maths.
Surely masturbation must burn up calories.
When you first left, I couldn't be bothered.
Now I just can't reach.
Can you do the repairs or not?
Yeah, it's not too bad.
Can do it in an hour.
On one condition.
- You must be joking. - Oh, go on. Be like old times.
No, it won't. I never had to worry about being crushed to death in the past.
What happened? Did you get so low that you ate your entire porn collection?
- You didn't? - Only the ones I'd spilled food on.
Look, I'll be back in one hour. I expect the repairs to be done. Got it?
Don't know what she's missing.
Oh, God, Munch, are you OK?
I saw Jesus.
Coo-ee! Baba, wake up. I've turned it up for you.
Oh, Jonny, look. Look what I've done.
Janet, you've tidied up. You found your nesting instinct. Brilliant.
And is that the heavenly scent of forest lingering here and about?
It most certainly is. I'm exhausted.
- It's taken me ages and I even... - What the hell is that?
I'm sorry, Jonny. It just seemed like the only option.
There's a place for everything and everything in its place.
Well, that just seemed like the best place at the time.
Under the carpet?
By the time baba arrives, it'll have all mulched down.
(Phone)
(Ringing continues)
(Ringing stops)
Hello?
Donna, what a lovely surprise.
- Is the Rascal ready? - Of course.
I also changed the oil, checked the tyre pressure and valeted the interior.
- You didn't have to do that. - I did.
After spending all afternoon sniffing the driver's seat.
It got a bit messy.
You can achieve anything you want with the power of positive thought.
- Just visualise... - (Gaz) Gaz.
...in your mind. The power of thought is...
Gaz.
...within your reach. Just grab hold of...
Gaz's knob.
(Screams)
Gaz, you are an utter twat.
You only got to the airbag. If you press the screen wash,
it sprays Eternity Calvin Klein directly at your face.
I just want my Bedford Rascal fixed,
or I'll never meet my sales target in my very important job.
Look, to cheer you up, why don't I cook us some pasta?
(Chuckles) I've got a better idea.
Why don't I tie an anvil to your bollocks and chuck you off Runcorn bridge?
I'm siding with the pasta.
Now I'll never sell 4,000 buckets.
I'll lose my job and a fat lot of fat you've been.
Oh, my God, where'd you get that pasta?
There we go.
Louise, could you pass us that bacon from behind that cushion?
No. Get yourself a cleaner. This just isn't healthy, Janet.
I can't afford a cleaner. I can't even afford toilet paper at the moment.
That's it. That's brilliant.
Your impoverishment makes you an ideal community project.
I could get my girls to come and clean for you.
An indoor job for them like I promised.
Oh, they're going to love me.
No, I don't want them. I'm the one who's supposed to do it.
- I don't want anyone doing it for me. - Come on, Janet. You can't live like this.
I mean, I didn't want to say but what in God's name is that stain?
Oh, that's where me and Jonny...
(Squeals)
What? I was going to say that's where we spilt a pot of chocolate mousse.
Oh.
Whilst violently shagging.
Eugh!
Coming up. One Jonny In A Glass.
(Smash!)
OK, one Jonny On The Floor.
(Smash!)
Eighth time lucky.
(Smash!)
- What do you think you're doing? - Erm... I'm making cocktails.
Like in that Tom Cruise film.
Days Of Thunder? I don't remember that bit.
Can you just clean up this mess, Jonny?
I most certainly can. Who'd have thought it of me, eh?
A husband, a father, a breadwinner and now cleaning up glass.
- I must be the luckiest man alive. - Yes, we truly are God's chosen people.
Oh, I meant to ask you. What do we do about tips?
- We don't get 'em. - We must do.
I've seen pubs on the telly. "There you go, duck. Cheers, duck."
You can't tell me that's just duck-related propaganda.
- When do we get paid? - Later on. I get so giddy payday.
Oh, I'm so excited. I could just kick a puppy.
Here's fat Gaz. I'll get the reinforced stool.
All right, fat Gaz?
All right.
- Oh, oh, oh. - No, we're not playing Laurel and Hardy.
(Chair creaks)
What's up with you anyway? I thought fat people were meant to be jolly.
- The usual? - Yeah.
It's Donna. She's... I've done everything I can to impress her. She's just not biting.
I wish I could help you, my round friend. I really do.
Shouldn't there be a glass under that beer?
Yes. There should.
She's changed so much. I'm exactly the same as I always was.
Only very, very fat.
Look, if you want Donna back, give her what she needs.
She needs a good squashing if you ask me.
She's so uptight.
OK, well, if she's tense, ask her about her problems, then pretend to listen,
whilst furtively looking at her breasts.
And then start to cry but not so much it looks like you're gay.
Women love all that.
What would I want in her situation?
A pie.
No, right, her career's everything to her. Maybe I could help with that.
- That would impress her. - Or...
What?
I'd be impressed if you got someone to fire a cannon at your huge girth
and then, like, absorb the shock.
- Jonny. - Yeah.
You've still not turned that tap off.
(Door opens)
Guess what? Supervisor says I have met my sales target.
I've sold 4,000 buckets. I'm a brilliant businesswoman.
Take that, Anita Roddick, you poodle-headed hippy!
Guess what? I think I'm getting my nesting instinct.
I think I want to wash some... Ooh.
Sorry. It was just wind.
(Doorbell)
(Louise) Halt. Await my command!
Single file! Follow my lead!
And halt!
At ease!
Hello, Janet, Donna.
These are my scabby minions.
I'm off. Off to collect my car and off to give fat Gaz a piece of my mind.
Thank God you said it. I've been calling him fat Gaz inside my head for months.
Louise, I really don't need this.
I'm perfectly capable of tidying up myself.
I just haven't had the urge yet.
You're worse than them with your moaning!
And yes, I mean you, Kylie Phoenix. Why don't you go for a lovely lie-down
and take the weight off those enormous ankles of yours?
Here, wages.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
57 quid? Kelly, I think I've been overpaid.
Do I take the moral high ground or the Jonny low ground?
Hold on. Even I don't get 57 quid for two shifts
and I'm shagging Norma's husband. Let me see that.
Or maybe I'm just an incredible barman,
an example of goodness, honesty and excellent service.
This is minus 57 quid.
You what? Let me have a look at that.
For breakages, spillages and general Jonnyness.
I can't afford 57 quid. This is so depressing.
It is, isn't it?
- Is there a way I can recoup my losses? - Norma's husband's upstairs.
Maybe I could glue all the bits together and suck the waste back into the pipes.
No, he's not into kinky stuff.
Please.
Just do some work.
I got you an inside job, didn't I?
- Come on. This is meant to be fun. - Oh, shut up, Dwarfy!
I can't help it if you're taller than me, can I?
I eat organic, wholesome produce.
The hormone-filled Netto fare you shove down your gullet
has obviously given you some sort of freakish growth spurt.
I'm bored. This place is a shit tip.
You wouldn't be bored if you were cleaning. Come on.
Janet'll see all you've done is drink her lager and smoke her fags.
I fancy a pizza. Would you go dig one out the bin for us?
No, I'm not digging food out of a bin like an urban fox.
Although I am a bit of an urban fox.
- Look, it's disgusting in here. - There's nothing wrong with it.
- It's great. - Aside from Dwarfy being here.
My name is not Dwarfy.
Shut up, Dwarfy. Do you really think it's OK, Stace?
It's just like me mam's, innit? That was before she got me taken off her.
You were taken off your mum?
They take one kid off her and nine months later she whacks out another.
Hey, you'll be able to do that when they take your kid off you.
When they take my...
I need to clean. You can leave now.
- But we were... - Come on, Dwarfy.
- We'll buy you a Bacardi Breezer. - You'll buy me?
So you like me? You finally like me?
If you like. Plus they'll serve you at the Archer.
Right. I'm going to clean my home.
With gusto. And Dettol.
- Better be ready this time, Gaz. - Oh, she is.
She's ready for you to get on with... whatever your little job is.
My little... For your information, I've met my sales targets without the car.
Oh, really? How'd you do that, then?
I proactively identified key growth areas,
devised a strategy based on market trends and satisfied the demand therein.
So... ner.
Really? So it's not because a certain ace bloke did a brilliant thing.
What?
Da-da!
It was me. I bought the lot.
What... So I'm not a brilliant businesswoman?
No, of course not. You're rubbish.
I have bailed you out.
This totally undermines everything I've...
How could you, Gaz?
I proactively identified key growth areas,
devised a strategy based on market trends...
Gaz, this is never going to happen.
I only ever liked you because of what you looked like.
Now you're a fat wanker, you've no chance.
Nothing says nesting like a good doily.
Right. Now to tackle the dining area.
(Door slams)
Jonny, look, it finally happened.
I'm a proper mummy. I'm in the process of creating a nest. Look.
A doily.
Oh, erm... well done. Er... look, I've done meself out me wages at the pub,
so if you wouldn't mind helping us glue all these back together.
You'd have thought I'd have emptied out the ashtrays before I broke 'em.
Silly me. Come on, then.
My doily.
God. What am I gonna do, Munch?
The only way to lose the fat is by shagging
and no one will shag me cos I'm too fat.
It's one of them situations. What do you call them?
A shitter.
That's it.
There's sports, though, in't there, eh?
You can do a sport, like badminton or ice hockey, darts.
I'm too fat for darts.
Those men are athletes.
OK, erm... think about something you enjoy doing.
You know, something that makes you happy.
(# Eye Of The Tiger)
Gaz, you're thin again.
Oh.
Oh. After three months of Gazturbation, I'm back in fighting shape.
Time, I think, to let Donna know I'm back on the scene.
Ah.
Here, you dial for us, Munch. I've broke me wrist.
I never want to see his beautiful eyes again!
(# Hums The Lion Sleeps Tonight)
Something's wrong with the baby.
Eh?
Why do you want this, Donna?
Because Gaz is prettier than me.
It's...
It's what?
Janet, what's wrong?